So, um....what's going on here?

So....the picking has been SO MUCH better lately.  I don't have any spots on me right now, at all.  *high fives self*.  Well, So yeahhhhh I've realized that the picking was never about the picking.  It felt like it was, but now that I'm not picking, I realize I have a lot more time for thinking.  It kind of sucks though because I've been thinking about all of the things I have been trying NOT to think about for all of these years.  It was like the picking was giving me an excuse to empty my brain.  I could just go to some no-where land, and just pick.  Everything was okay, and nothing mattered.  There were no issues, nothing hidden behind the scenes, haunting me, eating away at my heart, and slowly, at my skin.  Its amazing the strides I've made in the past two months maybe?  Gosh, I can't even remember how many therapists I've seen! But now, in just the past six weeks, the physical wounds have been closed, and the internal wounds have been torn open.  Raw and oozing. I hate it so much but it feels so much better than where I've been.  It's invigorating and it's painful at the same time.   I guess an inability to say no for 20 years has been causing me to secretly take it out on myself.  How did I never realize this?  I've been practicing saying no to myself, first and foremost.  The issue is, I'm my own worst enemy.  Sooooo......I've been trying so hard to focus on my little mini-goals, little things to do to feel better about myself while fighting my inner demons.  So check these bad boys out!

Oh boy....

Well this week has had some ups and downs.  Just when I was starting to get a handle on everything, my face completely breaks out, which isn't even normal for me! I've been trying to focus on other things, like keeping my nails looking pretty, and my hair nice.  I'm trying to distract myself from all the crap popping up on my face!  So far so good, I guess.  I decided to make a yummy homemade face mask tonight, so we'll see if it helps!  Hehe. Anyway.....I have surprisingly little to say tonight.  More tomorrow probably!!!

I need a gate in my fence...

So I guess I had an epiphany this weekend.  OK, a lot of epiphanies, I guess.  I've been reading the book Boundaries, and they talk about how each person needs to carry their own load, while sharing each others burdens.  A load is like a backpack, and a burden is like a boulder that is too big to carry alone.  The problem comes when people tend to think that their load is a burden, or the other way around.  Well I think that has been my problem for all these years.  I've had a burden, and I was pretending it was just a load.  I was trying to ignore how heavy it was, and I was trying to just carry it by myself.  Yeah, I've seen my share of therapists, and I've been in my share of groups, but nobody could ever help me see the flaws in my thinking.  Well actually, I guess it wasn't even really thinking, because I never really even acknowledged what I was doing.  I'm only about 80 pages into this book, and life is starting to make a little more sense.  I've had a STAY BACK sign on my fence, not a gate.  I've never really let good things/people in, and I've had a hard time kicking the bad things/people out.  Well that got me NO WHERE.  DUH!  It's like being on a treadmill!  I'm sore, and covered in sweat, but I'm in the same place I was in the beginning.  I guess I've been thinking like a five year old! I haven't been able to think about my thinking and the reasons for those thoughts.  I just keep them down below where I don't have to acknowledge their existence.  How dumb is that?  No wonder I've never gotten any better!!  Sooooo I'm starting to reflect back and look at the big picture, a little bit of why I am the way I am.  I guess the first thing that came to my mind was my hair.  Why do I keep my hair short?

Ever since I could remember, my father told me, "ladies have long hair, and wear dresses."  Long hair is beautiful, and feminine.  Wow.  I am a walking contradiction I guess.  Short hair and combat boots.  But I CHOSE to do those things.  The question is....why?  Looking back, I think I've had short hair longer than I've ever had long hair.  It sounds so dumb to talk about it but I think it's deeper than just hair.  Now to figure out the WHY....

Always Mine

You are my redeemer
my savior and my healer
you're the alpha, the omega
you're the all consuming fire
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

who am I
to deserve all that you've done?
who am I
that you sacrificed your son?
I am powerless and small
but you're the everlasting one
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

and even though I'm broken and weak
even though I'm flawed
your blood has rescued me
and now I'm fine
you've brought this heart to life
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

you've chosen me
and I've chosen you
through your cross I've been redeemed
taken apart and made brand new
I'm so revived
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

A zillion steps forward!

I can't believe this. For the first time in....I don't know how long, there is not ONE open sore on my entire body. My nails are long (I haven't been biting them) and, although I really see some spots I badly want to pick at, I am NOT willing to undo all this progress I've made. I cannot even begin to imagine how upset I would be with myself if I screwed this up now. I can't remember the last time I looked at myself and didn't see any scratches or scabs. This morning when I hopped out of the shower, I though, "I'm gonna be pretty today." And I put on some make-up! I PUT ON MAKE-UP! I know what you're thinking, crazy! I know right? Don't get be wrong, I've been looking at my arms all day, and I feel my hands wander to touch my face and find something to pick at, but I am forcing myself to say no. I've been tricking myself into thinking it's okay for too long now. I'm holding myself accountable, and no means no! That being said....check this out!

I know, I know, I can hardly believe it either. I am just praying to God that this won't be a temporary change. I'm usually afraid to commit to a change, but this is one that I have to commit to. What kind of person can't even make a commitment to herself? Well I'll tell ya! This girl, right here! I'm loving loving how I look and feel. It's funny, for so long I was begging God to tell me why he put me here in Saginaw, why life was so hard, why, why, why??? I know the why now, and it's as clear as the sky on a beautiful fall day. I'm here for the healing. So what does that mean for me? I get better, then just leave? I don't know where life is going to take us, but I know whatever it is, I'll follow his lead. He hasn't let me down yet. Oh and by the way, we got our Bridge Card in the mail yesterday. No more choosing between food and bills. God always takes care of his own.

Oh dear. This can't be good.

It's official. I have broken my SECOND stress ball. In my defense though, they probably weren't meant for the kind of intense de-stressing I'M doing. However, I will not complain, because I see some fantastic results! Nevertheless, I will continue to soldier on and carry around my new stress-potato everywhere I go. :)

Only a Mountain

Another day, another fight It always feels like an uphill climb Another step, another mile The story of your life It's harder than you ever thought And it costs you everything you've got When you're back against the wall And you feel like giving up (Chorus) This is only a mountain You don't have to find your way around it Tell it to move, it'll move Tell it to fall, it'll fall This is only a moment You don't have to let your fear control it Tell it to move, it'll move Tell it to fall, it'll fall You've gotta find a second wind It's not as high as you think it is Don't give up and don't you quit You gotta climb if you wanna win And I know it looks big And I know you feel small But just a little bit of faith can change it all Change it all Ask like you believe it Trust like you can see it Take your fear and say There's nothing in your way, no oh Even when it looks big Even when you feel small Just a little bit of faith can change it all It's only a mountain Just a little bit of faith can change it all