Making a little room....

Well holy crap.  Just wow.  Sometimes muddling through feelings is like trudging into a wall. You sink deeper and deeper and the wall just keeps closing in, looming like a giant waiting to knock you down.  Well by golly, maybe that's for the best sometimes.  Sometimes the only way to look up is by being knocked down. Hard.  I won't lie and say it doesn't hurt, but the vision from the ground is better than the vision from the hole of self loathing.   I guess I've been pretending....angry at people and at life, trying to cover the anger I feel towards myself.  I pride myself on being happy, on loving people but how loving am I really? If there is anger and hate in my heart, how can I really love anyone?  I feel like hate squeezes love out of its rightful place.  Holding onto hate puts the person who is hated into the place where there should be loved....how arrogant is that? My desire to hold onto hate is more important than the love God has given me to give out freely? Well I'll be....

So I've been angry about years of wasted time.  More arrogance....isn't God the keeper of time? Didn't he put me where he wanted me, when he wanted me there? I say I've been running on a treadmill, getting no where, making no progress.  What a load of crap I've been believing.  It hasn't been a treadmill at all, it's been a ladder.  Each vertical step taking me closer and closer to the truth and the final plan of God.  The view around me seemed the same the whole time, until I reached the top and realized....the world is so different after a change of perspective.  They say it takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile.  Maybe I've been the one wasting my time.  Holding onto grudges for years, who knows what that has held me back from? God I am so sorry. 

Well I will let go of all of the room my hate has been taking up and I will make some room for you.