So, um....what's going on here?

So....the picking has been SO MUCH better lately.  I don't have any spots on me right now, at all.  *high fives self*.  Well, So yeahhhhh I've realized that the picking was never about the picking.  It felt like it was, but now that I'm not picking, I realize I have a lot more time for thinking.  It kind of sucks though because I've been thinking about all of the things I have been trying NOT to think about for all of these years.  It was like the picking was giving me an excuse to empty my brain.  I could just go to some no-where land, and just pick.  Everything was okay, and nothing mattered.  There were no issues, nothing hidden behind the scenes, haunting me, eating away at my heart, and slowly, at my skin.  Its amazing the strides I've made in the past two months maybe?  Gosh, I can't even remember how many therapists I've seen! But now, in just the past six weeks, the physical wounds have been closed, and the internal wounds have been torn open.  Raw and oozing. I hate it so much but it feels so much better than where I've been.  It's invigorating and it's painful at the same time.   I guess an inability to say no for 20 years has been causing me to secretly take it out on myself.  How did I never realize this?  I've been practicing saying no to myself, first and foremost.  The issue is, I'm my own worst enemy.  Sooooo......I've been trying so hard to focus on my little mini-goals, little things to do to feel better about myself while fighting my inner demons.  So check these bad boys out!

Oh boy....

Well this week has had some ups and downs.  Just when I was starting to get a handle on everything, my face completely breaks out, which isn't even normal for me! I've been trying to focus on other things, like keeping my nails looking pretty, and my hair nice.  I'm trying to distract myself from all the crap popping up on my face!  So far so good, I guess.  I decided to make a yummy homemade face mask tonight, so we'll see if it helps!  Hehe. Anyway.....I have surprisingly little to say tonight.  More tomorrow probably!!!

I need a gate in my fence...

So I guess I had an epiphany this weekend.  OK, a lot of epiphanies, I guess.  I've been reading the book Boundaries, and they talk about how each person needs to carry their own load, while sharing each others burdens.  A load is like a backpack, and a burden is like a boulder that is too big to carry alone.  The problem comes when people tend to think that their load is a burden, or the other way around.  Well I think that has been my problem for all these years.  I've had a burden, and I was pretending it was just a load.  I was trying to ignore how heavy it was, and I was trying to just carry it by myself.  Yeah, I've seen my share of therapists, and I've been in my share of groups, but nobody could ever help me see the flaws in my thinking.  Well actually, I guess it wasn't even really thinking, because I never really even acknowledged what I was doing.  I'm only about 80 pages into this book, and life is starting to make a little more sense.  I've had a STAY BACK sign on my fence, not a gate.  I've never really let good things/people in, and I've had a hard time kicking the bad things/people out.  Well that got me NO WHERE.  DUH!  It's like being on a treadmill!  I'm sore, and covered in sweat, but I'm in the same place I was in the beginning.  I guess I've been thinking like a five year old! I haven't been able to think about my thinking and the reasons for those thoughts.  I just keep them down below where I don't have to acknowledge their existence.  How dumb is that?  No wonder I've never gotten any better!!  Sooooo I'm starting to reflect back and look at the big picture, a little bit of why I am the way I am.  I guess the first thing that came to my mind was my hair.  Why do I keep my hair short?

Ever since I could remember, my father told me, "ladies have long hair, and wear dresses."  Long hair is beautiful, and feminine.  Wow.  I am a walking contradiction I guess.  Short hair and combat boots.  But I CHOSE to do those things.  The question is....why?  Looking back, I think I've had short hair longer than I've ever had long hair.  It sounds so dumb to talk about it but I think it's deeper than just hair.  Now to figure out the WHY....

Always Mine

You are my redeemer
my savior and my healer
you're the alpha, the omega
you're the all consuming fire
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

who am I
to deserve all that you've done?
who am I
that you sacrificed your son?
I am powerless and small
but you're the everlasting one
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

and even though I'm broken and weak
even though I'm flawed
your blood has rescued me
and now I'm fine
you've brought this heart to life
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

you've chosen me
and I've chosen you
through your cross I've been redeemed
taken apart and made brand new
I'm so revived
and you are mine.
yes, you are mine.

A zillion steps forward!

I can't believe this. For the first time in....I don't know how long, there is not ONE open sore on my entire body. My nails are long (I haven't been biting them) and, although I really see some spots I badly want to pick at, I am NOT willing to undo all this progress I've made. I cannot even begin to imagine how upset I would be with myself if I screwed this up now. I can't remember the last time I looked at myself and didn't see any scratches or scabs. This morning when I hopped out of the shower, I though, "I'm gonna be pretty today." And I put on some make-up! I PUT ON MAKE-UP! I know what you're thinking, crazy! I know right? Don't get be wrong, I've been looking at my arms all day, and I feel my hands wander to touch my face and find something to pick at, but I am forcing myself to say no. I've been tricking myself into thinking it's okay for too long now. I'm holding myself accountable, and no means no! That being said....check this out!

I know, I know, I can hardly believe it either. I am just praying to God that this won't be a temporary change. I'm usually afraid to commit to a change, but this is one that I have to commit to. What kind of person can't even make a commitment to herself? Well I'll tell ya! This girl, right here! I'm loving loving how I look and feel. It's funny, for so long I was begging God to tell me why he put me here in Saginaw, why life was so hard, why, why, why??? I know the why now, and it's as clear as the sky on a beautiful fall day. I'm here for the healing. So what does that mean for me? I get better, then just leave? I don't know where life is going to take us, but I know whatever it is, I'll follow his lead. He hasn't let me down yet. Oh and by the way, we got our Bridge Card in the mail yesterday. No more choosing between food and bills. God always takes care of his own.

Oh dear. This can't be good.

It's official. I have broken my SECOND stress ball. In my defense though, they probably weren't meant for the kind of intense de-stressing I'M doing. However, I will not complain, because I see some fantastic results! Nevertheless, I will continue to soldier on and carry around my new stress-potato everywhere I go. :)

Only a Mountain

Another day, another fight It always feels like an uphill climb Another step, another mile The story of your life It's harder than you ever thought And it costs you everything you've got When you're back against the wall And you feel like giving up (Chorus) This is only a mountain You don't have to find your way around it Tell it to move, it'll move Tell it to fall, it'll fall This is only a moment You don't have to let your fear control it Tell it to move, it'll move Tell it to fall, it'll fall You've gotta find a second wind It's not as high as you think it is Don't give up and don't you quit You gotta climb if you wanna win And I know it looks big And I know you feel small But just a little bit of faith can change it all Change it all Ask like you believe it Trust like you can see it Take your fear and say There's nothing in your way, no oh Even when it looks big Even when you feel small Just a little bit of faith can change it all It's only a mountain Just a little bit of faith can change it all

Beautiful!

The top picture is from a couple of days ago. Notice the gigantic mess on my chin? Take a gander at the next picture! Look at that beautiful healed face!!

Jonah's Eyes

Every day I'd sit and cry
begging God to tell me why he brought me here
broken  down and dangerously near
the end of a fragile, tattered rope
trying hard, but losing hope.
Yes, the boat was going down
there was no doubt, I was gonna drown
but here, where I was meant to be
didn't seem much safer than the sea.
I'd followed the call, but didn't realize
I was looking at life from the wrong set of eyes.
Mine simply couldn't see the reality
of the life that had been deceiving me.

I'd been living lies
I needed Jonah's eyes
to see the miracles in disguise.

And with a new clear point of view
I see how much I'd hid from you
No, I wasn't swallowed by a whale
but my mind was shrouded by a vale
of a dismal black and gray.
Now I see the glory of every day.

I'd been believing the lies
but now I have Jonah's eyes.
To love me where I'm meant to be.

You put me here for a reason
for this time, and for this season
you've freed these chains that bound me
you've lead me to recovery.
And its so amazing
not just doing my own thing.
It's a beautiful thing.
From these lies I've been set free
brought up from captivity
and made anew
living my life in you.

I'm done living the lies
I'm seeing through Jonah's eyes
Now I'll go where you're sending me
I'll be who I'm meant to be.

Where to start....

Gosh, I don't even know where to start.  I always start these blogs and never get very far.  But, in my defense, my last one got hacked and now I have no idea what the password is!  I mean come on, who hacks someones blog? Really?  Anyway, I decided I needed to start up again, if for no other reason than to document my progress to myself.  Honestly, I've come to learn that when it comes to me, and what I think, I'm all that matters.  Only I can make myself better, and I don't care what anyone thinks about me but me, and God.  I don't need anyone else's approval.  That being said, I haven't had my approval for a really long time, and I'm sick of it.  So, here I am!  Well I wanted to put the mountains on here, because I feel like mountains are a perfect picture of what life is really like.  You have highs, and lows, but when you get to the top, you see how far you've come.  It's never easy, you can't just jump from the bottom to the top.  You have to climb, one agonizing foot at a time.  Oh, but when you get there, it's SO worth it.  Or so I'm told, I'm not gonna lie, I'm not there yet.  :)

On a different note, I'd like to share with those of you who know a little about me, and my problem, how I've been going about getting better!  Well, first thing first....I got a therapist!  Sorry to those of you who aren't fans, but I am.  Sometimes you need a third party to stand back and hold up a mirror to your brain, if you know what I mean.  Anyway, Brad suggested I get a stress ball.  Not gonna lie, at first I was like, "yeah right dude, I don't think that's gonna help, you're nuts."  (No offense Brad if you ever read this....)  But, I decided to try it.  I actually BROKE my first one!  That's right, this little girl right here, broke her first stress ball.  It's now a stress potato.  :P  Anyway, I take the little thing everywhere I go.  I mean everywhere.  I am seriously amazed at how much that has been helping.  It's become like a best friend.  Second, I've picked up crocheting.  OK, I've TRIED to pick up crocheting.  I've been getting irritated with it a lot, but I've been trying.  And lastly, most importantly, so far, I've been taking baby steps.  Instead of looking at it like, "I've got to beat this! For good!"  I've been trying to take it one day at a time, one hour at a time.  I sit down in class and I say to myself, "Ok, let's get through this class period without picking at anything."  And then after class, I look back, and assess how well I did.  *pats self on back*.  It's going pretty well if I do say so myself.

But there is a lot more to it, I've learned.  I've also been keeping a journal, and working on my boundaries in my care group at church.  (Oh, that's another thing! People! People are essential to the healing process.  If I didn't have a support team, I wouldn't be getting anywhere!) It's amazing how much you learn about yourself when you have someone to talk to one on one, and a group to talk to, too.  Anyway, that's this months progress so far....I'm really going to try to document this, if for no other reason than to motivate myself a little better.  Here's hoping I can commit to something.  Here's to being a starter and a finisher, not just a starter.