So after my last entry I got to thinking, if the choice to pick or not to pick, to be or not to be is entirely up to me, it's going to take a whole lot more work and attention than I've been giving it. I've been going at it half-way, all the while still clinging desperately to the label I've created for myself....I'm a picker, and that's it. Wow. How I've been demeaning myself all these years! Thinking it was an inevitability and then degrading myself when I failed? What kind of twisted logic is that? I guess I have to hold myself more accountable than I have been. Quit blaming the caffeine, quit blaming the circumstances...nothing is twisting my arm and making me inflict harm upon myself. (Yes, I have finally come to terms with calling it that. Calling it what it is. Deliberate self harm in an innocent disguise of a "stressed-out mom." Yeah right, let's quit lying here.) The fact of the matter is I am the responsible one. God cannot magically free me of this burden, but he can cover me with his grace and love and give me the strength I've been meant to have so I can help myself. I think that's what he does, and that is the point of my faith. I think "God" said it best in Evan Almighty:
"Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?"
God can lift me up, and raise me to a higher standard than I've been holding myself to for twenty years. He is able, I alone am not. God...make me able.
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