I need a gate in my fence...

So I guess I had an epiphany this weekend.  OK, a lot of epiphanies, I guess.  I've been reading the book Boundaries, and they talk about how each person needs to carry their own load, while sharing each others burdens.  A load is like a backpack, and a burden is like a boulder that is too big to carry alone.  The problem comes when people tend to think that their load is a burden, or the other way around.  Well I think that has been my problem for all these years.  I've had a burden, and I was pretending it was just a load.  I was trying to ignore how heavy it was, and I was trying to just carry it by myself.  Yeah, I've seen my share of therapists, and I've been in my share of groups, but nobody could ever help me see the flaws in my thinking.  Well actually, I guess it wasn't even really thinking, because I never really even acknowledged what I was doing.  I'm only about 80 pages into this book, and life is starting to make a little more sense.  I've had a STAY BACK sign on my fence, not a gate.  I've never really let good things/people in, and I've had a hard time kicking the bad things/people out.  Well that got me NO WHERE.  DUH!  It's like being on a treadmill!  I'm sore, and covered in sweat, but I'm in the same place I was in the beginning.  I guess I've been thinking like a five year old! I haven't been able to think about my thinking and the reasons for those thoughts.  I just keep them down below where I don't have to acknowledge their existence.  How dumb is that?  No wonder I've never gotten any better!!  Sooooo I'm starting to reflect back and look at the big picture, a little bit of why I am the way I am.  I guess the first thing that came to my mind was my hair.  Why do I keep my hair short?

Ever since I could remember, my father told me, "ladies have long hair, and wear dresses."  Long hair is beautiful, and feminine.  Wow.  I am a walking contradiction I guess.  Short hair and combat boots.  But I CHOSE to do those things.  The question is....why?  Looking back, I think I've had short hair longer than I've ever had long hair.  It sounds so dumb to talk about it but I think it's deeper than just hair.  Now to figure out the WHY....