Well I'm laying here trying to take a nap but my brain won't stop running....today's lesson at church has me going a mile a minute. Our fathers love....well, um, what exactly is that? I want so bad to give it all up and surrender into his fatherly arms, but well, to put it gently, I have never had very good results when I do that. I know he will never let me down, but the thought makes me apprehensive. And then there is the whole.....forgive others and care about those who have hurt you. Gosh, that one is an uphill battle. I keep thinking about "the other guy" and how much I hate him. I don't want to, I want to be free of that hate and that anger but at the same time, it makes me feel victorious over him, like yeah, he used me and left me to pick up the pieces, but I have the last laugh now. Except....I don't, do I? I know hatred is like an ulcer slowly eating away at the soul, I know it's a poison, but I feel....content in it. Powerful almost. Gosh that is so wrong, I don't want to be that vengeful person, vengeance isn't mine anyway. So I keep those wrong, nasty things to myself, and I think that if I'm nice enough, if I smile enough, if I'm perfect enough, it will make up for what I did, and how terrible I feel about it all. Oh I know, it's just so wrong. God help me with that. I don't want to feel a demand for perfection, but I can't help it...if I'm perfect, no one will see the truth. Me: the vengeful ex-Mormon cheater. Geez, maybe I should be in therapy. :p. I'm going to sleep now. Thanks for listening
You are so right when you speak of this as such a struggle. I know from experience, it is a hard thing to forgive yourself for. But when you hang on to the hurt, pain and guilt IT STILL has control over you! The best way to "get back at 'it'" is to refuse to give it any power in your life. By not giving it to God each time that it slaps you in the face, you give it more power. Does part of it make you feel afraid that you will do it again? Been there too! But look down at your arm....what does it say there? He has NOT given us a spirit of fear! But a spirit of love and a sound mind. That newest tatoo can be applied to so many areas of your life. This is another one of them.
ReplyDeleteForgiveness, even self forgiveness takes practice. It is like scrubbing crayon off the wall. Each time you choose to forgive a little bit, more comes off! Each time you don't, you write on the wall more. Does this make sense?
Keep in mind too that God knew about Korea before you were born! And yet...He drew you into His loving arms for His salvation. He paid for that sin, for mine too! If He can forgive you before you even knew Him, you need to keep trying to forgive yourself! Let Jesus set you free from your captivity!Let Jesus take that messed up heart and bind it together with the Love that He longs to give to you.
It is a hard place to be in! I will pray for you! Love to one sinner saved by grace to another!