I want to try to blog regularly, so I can get my thoughts out in some productive way, but sometimes it feels like....I don't know, like I have no thoughts. I've noticed that when I get going on one of my picking sprees, I go blank. It's like my mind is in a trance and I get lost in the moment. Or the hour, or however long it is at the time. It's like I sign out of life, and trap myself in this little bubble where nothing can hurt me. I am invincible at that moment, because I'm not really there. My mind is just lost somewhere in space. Maybe that's what it is? Kind of a dumb form of self preservation, huh? Hurt myself little bits at a time to shield myself from the bigger hurts? Except nothing really hurts right now, so why do I still do it? It's like I'm hypnotized. I'll be in my stats class trying to pay attention, and the harder I try to focus, the more I find my hands wandering to one of my little spots of temptation. Once I find it, I'm flooded with relief, and my mind can slow down and focus on the lecture. Everything else is gone at that instant, and I am only in ONE place.
Gosh it would have been nice to be in one place when I was growing up. My parents, they did their best, I know my mom did. She didn't want to ship me off every weekend to a different house, a different family, a different set of rules, a different set of expectations. My heart aches for her. Saying goodbye and knowing where we were headed off to every Friday. I don't know how she handled that, and I love her for it, for being strong enough. So why am I not strong enough? Why do I still have to escape into this nothingness? I don't want to hide there, not anymore. The sound of my little girls' voice echoes in my head, "I'm a big girl!" Maybe that's a philosophy I need to adopt. That was then, this is now, there's nothing to hide from but memories, and I control my memories, they don't control me, right?
In the book Bondage Breaker, he talks about how our dark memories only have as much power as we give them. We will only live life the way we think we are supposed to live it. Geez, I guess I need a drastic overhaul. I guess Jason Castro says it best....
"This is only a mountain."
Leaving you there on the weekends was the hardest thing I ever had to do! You and your brother would be crying, and as I drove away I would be crying too. I am not sure what kind of memories you have about your stays there, but I know that it effected you both deeply. I am proud of you for being willing to take this journey through that memory bank. It is not an easy thing to do! Just remember that you were NOT alone then, nor are you alone now! Jesus was there every moment of every weekend, and He is there every moment today and tomorrow. As you walk along this path of your journey allow Him to bring healing to each memory that He brings to the surface. I know that He can bring the healing you need! Look at the healing that He brought to me! Healing is why He came! He came to set the captives free, to bind up the broken hearted, and to turn on the light for those in darkness. I will pray that He will do just that for you as you walk this path to wholeness!
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